Book Highlights: Courage to be Disliked

• Authors: Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi

• Alderian [[Psychology]] (Alfred Adler)
  • Aetiology – the study of causation
  • Teleology – the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause
  • Psychology of use vs psychology of possession (Freud)
  • We’re at the mercy of our past lives vs we choose our lives and lifestyles

• Alderian Psychology denies trauma
  • Don’t think about past causes, but present goals
  • “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences – the so-called trauma – but instead, we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.’ [[Quotes]]
  • Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live

• People fabricate anger
  • You use anger as a tool to get the other to submit to you.
  • Anger is not an impulsive emotion. It is a means to achieve a goal

• Don’t let the past control you
  • The past and our emotions don’t control us
  • It’s not about what happened in the past, but how it was resolved. The meaning we attribute to determines the way our present will be.
  • People are not driven by past cause, but move toward goals that they themselves set

• People are afraid to change
  • The first step to change is knowing.
  • The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes use of that equipment – Adler [[Quotes]]
  • Unhappiness is a choice you make. People decide that unhappiness is good (beneficial) for them.
  • Personality, disposition -> lifestyle -> tendencies of thought and action in life -> [[Worldviews]]
  • You choose your lifestyle even if there were many subconscious and external factors that influenced it
  • People don’t want to change because even in the current state of unhappiness they are comfortable. The thought of change brings uncertainty. There is anxiety generated by changing and disappointment attached to not changing.
  • The unhappiness can’t be blamed on the past or the environment. It isn’t a lack of competence either, but the lack of courage. Courage to be happy.
  • Trauma and environment are excuses’No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on’ – Adler [[Quotes]]

• All problems are interpersonal problems
  • Encouragement – Self-acceptance + courage to fail/rejected/disliked
  • To feel lonely, you need people around in the social world.
  • People avoid interpersonal relationships by disliking themselves

• Feelings of inferiority (FOI)
  • FOI are subjective assumptions
    • FOI = value judgement of oneself – > one has no worth or one is only worth so much
    • Minderwertigkeitsgefuhl (German)=Minder + wert (worth) + gefuhl (feeling)
    • FOI – > value judgement only happens in a social context -> interpersonal relationships

• Inferiority complex is an excuse
  • There is a universal desire in the pursuit of superiority since we are born as helpless beings ->
  • FOI and POS are two sides of the same coin (even successful people don’t escape the FOI)
  • FOI and POS can be a stimulant for personal growth
  • Inferiority complex (IC) is an abnormal mental state
  • FOI != IC
  • IC -> a mental state where you give up even before trying to take the first step to progress
  • A is the situation, so B cannot be done

• Braggarts have FOI
  • No one is capable of dealing with FOI for a long period
  • FOI is feeling of something that is missing in oneself. To compensate for the lack of courage in making progress, we fall into the trap of superiority complex
  • Fabricated feeling of superiority is driven by an intense feeling of inferiority
  • Strongest person in our world is a baby. A baby rules over adults with his weakness

• Life is not a competition
  • Pursuit of superiority is not like climbing a ladder and kicking others down
    • People are moving forward on the same level playing field with people moving behind and ahead of them
    • Distance covered might be different but everyone is moving forward on the same plane
    • POS = moving forward on one’s own feet, not competition
  • Healthy FOI = compare to oneself
  • Acknowledge that people are different from us (gender, age) but equal (same plane)
  • Get out of places that are preoccupied with winning and losing
  • If you look at life as a competition, then interpersonal relationships are bound to get strained.
  • Even successful people who are winning would not be happy since they are comparing themselves with people who are more successful than them.

“You’re the only one who’s worried how you look”

• Power struggle and revenge
  • Personal anger (grudge) based on ’emotions’ dissipates quickly X righteous indignation for society’s contradictions and injustices (based on logic) lasts longer
  • Personal grudges is about yourself. Righteous indignation goes beyond your own interests
  • Anger, arguments and fight are indications of a power struggle, of trying to get the other party to submit to you – There is a universal desire in the pursuit of superiority since we are born as helpless beings ->
  • Even if you win the battle in a power struggle, it doesn’t end there. It enters the next stage – > Revenge
    • A child oppressed by parents will stop going to school, indulge in acts of self-harm etc. The goal of the child is revenge and the actions are a means to achieve that goal, the goal of ensuring parents feel upset, sad and worry about their child. It is this subconscious or conscious understanding that drives the problematic behaviour [[Parenting]]

• Never get into a power struggle
  • “controlling anger” and bearing insults and personal attacks” are also signs that you’re in a power struggle.
  • Anger is a form of communication. There is no need to rely on it as a tool for communication.
    • Irascible people do not have short tempers – it is only that they do not know how to use other tools for communication other than anger

• Criticising others on the basis that you are right about something is an interpersonal relationship trap. The conviction that ‘I am right’ and the other person is wrong eventually becomes a contest that you want to win -> Power struggle and revenge
  • In a power struggle (argument), admitting a mistake is admitting defeat
  • If you think you are right, regardless of what other people’s opinions might be, end the discussion and walk away
  • If you don’t have the power struggle mindset, admitting mistakes, apologies and stepping away from power battles is not a defeat

• POS != competition
• Power struggle clouds judgement and decision making

• Life tasks
  • Objectives of Adlerian psychology for
    • Human behaviour
      • to be self-reliant
      • to live in harmony with society
    • Psychology that supports these human behaviours are the consciousness that
      • I have the ability
      • People are my friends (comrades)
  • Life tasks – > help you achieve these Objectives of Adlerian psychology for
  • 3 categories of interpersonal relationships (IR)
    • Tasks of work
    • Tasks of friendship
    • Tasks of love
  • Life tasks = tasks of (work + friendship + love)
  • Life tasks are IR that you cannot avoid as an individual when attempting to live as a social being
    

• Tasks of work as a IR are easy to understand as they have a common objective of obtaining good results, so people cooperate even if they don’t get along
  • People who have trouble at this stage are NEETs (Not in education, employment or training) or ‘shut-ins’ -> they don’t try to work because they want to avoid IR that are associated with work
  • Getting rejected in an interview or being rebuked for a mistake for being incompetent leads to IR issues

• Tasks of love – If the IR is such that people restrict each other, it eventually falls apart
  • “Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really feel love. One can be in a calm and quite natural state, without having feelings of inferiority or being beset with the need to flaunt one’s superiority”
  • Restriction is a manifestation of the mindset of attempting to control one’s partner
  • Red string vs rigid chains
    • Red string – romantic love – can be snapped
    • Rigid chain – parent-child relationship – cannot be snapped

• Life-Lie
  • state of coming up with all manner of pretexts in order to avoid the life tasks
  • shifting one’s responsibility of the situation to someone else
  • Life-tasks and life-lies are not discussed in terms of good or evil, but in terms of courage

• Desire for recognition
• Adlerian psychology (AP) denies the need to seek recognition from others
• Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others
• Separation of tasks – ‘whose task is it?’
  • Ask the Q and separate one’s own tasks from other people’s tasks
    • Answer to the Q lies in understanding who is going to receive the end result brought about by the choice that is made
  • Separate them by not intruding on other people’s tasks
  • Problems in IRs arise when you intrude on other people’s tasks or allow someone to intrude on yours
  • In AP counselling, client changing or not changing is not the task of the counsellor
  • Discard other people’s tasks
  • E.g: A child not studying should not cause you to intervene. It is ultimately the responsibility of the child. You can assist, but can’t take the responsibility for his/her studying
    • “It’s for your own good” sounds hollow and the children see through it because it is in your self-interest that the child studies
  • Separation of tasks -> ‘freedom’
  • Separation of tasks is a way to unravel the threads of the complex entanglement of one’s IR

• Gordian Knot
  • “Destiny is not something brought about by legend, but by clearing away with one’s own sword” – Alexander the Great [[Quotes]]
  • Forming a good IR requires a certain degree of distance. Not too close or too far.
  • (Goodwill = reward) – > desire for recognition
    • If another person does something for you, you feel obliged to do something in return (Robert Cialdini – Reciprocity). Instead, you should decide what you need to do.
  • Reward should not be the base for a IR

• Making one’s choices can be scary because of the unknown consequences. It is this fear that causes most to live a life that satisfies someone else’s expectations. This leads to a desire for recognition. In other words, not to be disliked by anyone.
  • To not be disliked by others, we must constantly gauge other people’s feelings and swearing loyalty to all of them
• Separating one’s own tasks is not egocentric. Intervening in other people’s task is.
• Courage to be disliked != Desire to want to be disliked
• Not wanting to be disliked is a instinctive human desire. Kant, the philosopher, calls it inclination
  • To live a life driven by these desires is not freedom, but being a slave to one’s desires and impulses
  • If you want freedom, freedom to live on your terms, you need to accept the fact that you will be disliked by someone
• Can you endure the weight of freedom? Of being disliked by your parents and loved ones?
  • One neither prepares to be self-righteous or defiant. One just separates tasks. Separate them by not intruding on other people’s tasks
• Courage to be happy = courage to be disliked

• Individual Psychology and Holism
  • AP is a psychology of the individual, but not individualism that leads to isolation
  • AP doesn’t treat the mind as separate from the body; reason as separate from emotion
    • Life-Lie
      • “I don’t know what got into me”
      • “I flew into a fit of rage”
      • “The emotion got the best of me”
      • “I couldn’t help it”

• Goal of Interpersonal Relationships (IR) is a feeling of community
  • Community feeling (CF) = awareness of having one’s own refuge among friends
  • Community in AP goes beyond household, society and humanity. It includes all of time, plants, animals and inanimate objects.
    • Adler’s views on community drove many of his contemporaries to part with him
  • CF is also referred to as having ‘interest in society’
  • Smallest unit of a community is an IR between two people
    • Switch from attachment to self to interest in society
    • Self-centered people are incapable of carrying out the separation of tasks and are obsessed with the desire for recognition
  • You are not the centre of the world
  • Be aware of multiple and larger communities, not just the small local community (home, school, company, etc) you are a part of

• Horizontal relationship
  • No praise or rebuke
  • Praise = passing judgement from a person of ability on a person with no ability
  • Praising leads to a hierarchical relationship
  • Intervention v/s assistance
  • Assistance in a horizontal relationship = Encouragement
  • Gratitude vs praise
  • One cannot choose a mix of horizontal relationships with some and vertical relationship with others.
  • Self-worth comes from the feeling of being beneficial to the community

“People can be of use to someone else simply by being alive”

• Not self-affirmation, self-acceptance
  • Switching from self-interest to social interest requires
    • self-acceptance
      • Self-affirmation is making suggestions to oneself such as “I can do it” “i am strong” even when something is beyond one’s ability.
      • Self-affirmation leads to superiority complex
      • Accepting who you are as you are
        • Eg; if one accepts himself as sixty percent and thinking about how one can get closer to 100 percent
      • Affirmative resignation – ascertain what one can change and what one can’t change
        • Focus on the things one can change – > self-acceptance
    • confidence in others
      • Difference between trust and confidence
        • Trust comes with set conditions – > credit
          • ‘we will lend you on the condition that you will pay it back’
        • Confidence = trust – conditions
          • Believing unconditionally
          • Doubt in relationships cannot lead to deep relationships
        • You are not the one who decides whether or not to take advantage in a relationship. That is the other person’s task
          • Separate them by not intruding on other people’s tasks
        • Unconditional confidence -> Horizontal relationship
          • If no desire to make the relationship better, severe the ties
    • contribution to others
      • Self-sacrifice != contribution to others
      • contribution to others serves to satisfy the “I”
      • eg: joining the workforce

• sense of belonging = self acceptance + confidence in others (seeing people as friends and not enemies) + contribution to society
• 

Happiness = Feeling of contribution (without a desire for recognition) = “I am of use to someone”

• Normal vs Special
  • When the endeavour to be especially good fails, one takes the opposite approach of especially bad
  • Wanting to feel special is driven by a desire for recognition and a lack of self-acceptance
    • Pursuit of easy superiority = problem behaviour that seeks attention
      • It doesn’t matter even if the attention is in the form of rebuke
    • Pursuit of easy superiority <-> Power struggle and revenge
    • Side note: Pursuit of excellence without POS != competition and Deny the desire for recognition

• Courage to be normal
  • You want to be special because you can’t accept your normal self
  • When being especially good becomes a lost cause, one makes the leap to being especially bad
  • We tend to think normal = incapable/mediocre

• Life is a series of moments
  • Life goals can be imagined as climbing to the mountain top
    • A powerful analogy littered across pop culture
    • What if you don’t make it to the mountain top
    • Life as a line that weaves its way across the mountain until it reaches the top and life as a story is Freudian in nature, attributing a greater part of life to causes
  • AP treats life as a series of dots.
    • Dots are moments, A series of moments called ‘now’
    • Our lives exist only in moments and not a linear line that leads to a destination
    • There is no such thing as a well-planned life, as it is impossible

• Forget the goals. Live in the moment
  • “A goal is not your destination. It’s your compass”
  • Living in the moment and appreciating how far you have come.
  • Find fulfilment in the here and now
  • The goal is to the enjoy the moment to the fullest
  • Kinetic (dynamic) life vs energial (actual-active-state) life
  • With a goal as your destination, every point on the journey is a life with goal incomplete or unfulfilled
  • The journey is the goal.
  • But is this akin to living life blindfolded?
    • Don’t see behind you or ahead. Just shine the light on your spot like a bright spot light on you when you’re on a theatre stage where you can’t see anything else
    • With a dim spotlight, you can see things behind and ahead of you
  • Life is complete at every moment if you’re living in the here and now. And doing it earnestly.
  • The greatest life-lie is to look at the past and the future and cast a dim light on one’s entire life

• Life is meaningless
  • Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual
  • contribution to others is the life’s guiding star
  • If ‘I’ change, the world will change. No one else can change it for me.
    • You should just start right here and now, without regard to whether others are cooperative or not, with an intention to contribute to others

• Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges
  • Challenges != competition (Life is not a competition)
  • We compare children to others with the image of an ideal child. And then treat the ideal child as 100 points and gradually subtract from that whenever your child doesn’t meet your expectations. Instead, start from zero.

Adlerian psychology is a psychology for changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others